WHEN I WAS A CHILD….
Diba Ayten Yilmaz (09.05.2008)
Translated from Turkish to English by Filiz Altiparmak
Normally we tend to forget our childhood, whereas this time of period forms our base in life. While we grow physically/bodily, emotionally we remain at the age where we got hurt as children.
A child deemed as stupid by its parents might be very successful in professional life but will still keep thinking of oneself as being stupid. To be protected for bad eyes a little girl will be called lovingly “my little ugly girl” by their family, but as grown-up she still keeps thinking of oneself as being ugly. Children, who grow up with the belief that sexuality is dirty and shameful, have diffuculties to build healthy sexual relationships.
As we grow physically, the wounded child within us can make on our behalfs important decisions for life.
Mostly we re-experience the past and re-create our relationships as adults with similiar family dynamics such as women marrying men with common sides like their fathers and men marrying women with common sides like their mothers.
A girl who wasn’t loved by her father in the childhood would look for a men, who can give her love. And will more likely find partners, who won’t give the love she needed ever since childhood.
From the moment we had been in the womb our perception is very open and we can perceive everything what happens around us. Parents might think “babies won’t understand” but babies do sense everything. Not only do they hear the arguments they also perceive the tenseness between their parents. In case the tenseness is related with the baby, it may cause negative results and accordingly would have destructive feelings such as guilt, anger and bitterness.
We forget the angry child somewhere on the way and break up the communication with it.
Born as an unwanted child, it will understand everything and can even distuinguish from whom and for what reason it was not wanted. A child raised without love by his father might reject as an adult to take care of his father when he becomes ill. Because from his point of view he might think revengefully “you didn’t take care of me so I won’t do it too”. While he witnesses his parents arguments a 3-4 months old baby could think regretfully “I shouldn’t have come here!”. Even though taken care of all their psyhical needs babies would cry, if they feel tenseness and the lack of love at home. A tiny baby can distinguish a real loving hug from a loveless one.
Parents aren’t aware of what they do to their children but children sense everything in detail. A girl, whose mother hadn’t shown her any love in her childhood, could get as an adult very angry at her, who wants spend time with her daughter. The young woman might think “I needed your attention when I was a kid and you didn’t pay me any attention. Now you want my attention and I don’t want to pay you attention”.
We get millions of messages from our environment throughout our childhood. As you can assume most of them are scary, threatening and restrictive. And through these messages we build up different patterns. However these patterns won’t work any longer as we become older.
A child get its first perception about the world from the family and tend to internalise these first messages. And they establish our base of life, like the used concrete to build a house. What we learn as children about ourselves determines how we perceive ourselves as adults.
Since we are not aware of those recorded perceptions with our conscious mind we will be influenced by them throughout adulthood. And unfortunately these patterns what we accept as the “whole truth” can cause dysfunction and strong pain.
Most adults don’t remember certain matters from the past. Parents, who threated their children wrongly, know what they did, but remembering would hurt as they get older and the children grow up. Parents alienate to their past and can deny by saying “I wasn’t it! I didn’t do it!” when their children remind them their mistakes from the past. Because remembering these things wouldn’t do good to them.
As long as we don’t break our childhood patterns, we will repeat them. It’s beneficial to work on our childhood if we want to gain maturity and make healty decisions in life. By starting to break these patterns we can develop a new awareness and life styles. By breaking our patterns from the childhood and and starting to heal our wounds we will feel more free and uncover our unique sides. We can replace old patterns with more constructive and positive awareness and make oneselves true.
It is nearly impossible for someone to solve own problems if not being able to face the own reality.
Someone who willingly faces childhood moments and succeed to look at them courageously and honestly can experience a big relief, lightness and great positive changes in his/her relationships. For this reason they can experience revolutionary changes with oneself, their parents, the enviroment and with their own children.
A young woman who felt uneasy in presence of her mother feels now a great love and affection towards her. After a present life regression therapy she said “If I only had a bigger flat so she could stay with me!”.
It would be beneficial to look back and complete unfinished business from the past life which its traces are still effecting and managing our present.
Love and blessings,